Besides death, diseases and flying on aeroplanes, my biggest fear nowadays is “Arranged Marriages”.
My short trip to my hometown brought me face-to-face with this. A cousin, who’s just a little older than me, is all set to get married. MARRIED!!!! She was all happy and gay(no! not that gay…she’s very much straight !) and SINGLE a week prior to this but now she’s getting married ! Sheesh !
Ok, I can understand her getting married. She’s at the right age and all ( According to general consensus). But her’s is a typical arranged marriage. Her details/photograph has been circulating in the ‘market’. One fine day aunty gets a call enquiring about her. Next day horoscopes are exchanged. It’s a match ! Few days later the guy’s family comes to see her. Boy and girl get some quality time to talk and get to know each other better, the same day, with parents and other family members around! The quality time is not even made proper use of !!!
Few days later, another phone call…. The boy’s family liked the girl. The boy has given his consent. Aunt talks to cousin. And its FIXED !!!
And the best/worst part…SHE DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER HIS FACE !!!!!!!!!!
How scary is that!!!! I can’t imagine myself doing something like this. I mean…like…HOW?????? And the worst part is, this is what is expected off me. I was talking to my cousin about all this. She was happily narrating the whole story and I kept throwing a hundred questions at her like…
- You don’t even remember his face….and your ok with it?? :O
- So, you’re not even going to get to meet him or at least speak to each other before the engagement?
- You don’t even know what kind of guy he is? What he’s into?
- He’s a software engineer…work’s for a reputed company….sources say he’s a good guy with a clean slate….he’s from a good family….IS THAT ENOUGH?
Through out this conversation my mother kept nudging and shush-ing me. Seemed like she was trying to tell me…. “What more do you expect? This is how life is around here. This is what is expected out of all of us. If you don’t go by these rules….you’re DOOMED!!!”
I can’t do this!! I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I don’t even know. Someone I might not even get along with.
I’d be ok with this whole thing if I would get some more time to get to know the person, get some time to decide. But all the talking and bonding happens only after the engagement!!!! Like that’s of any help. It’s not like the engagement can be broken. And even if it comes down to that..the kind of humiliation that one’s family has to go through, I’d rather not think about that. By the time you are engaged the whole world would know about it. It’s almost like you’re already married!
Ahhhhh! If only there was a fool-proof way to deal with all this.
Oh and did I tell you, technically, I’m next in line !!! NEXT IN LINE!!!
I’m soooo Doomed !
Musings of a wishy washy Flower child 
9 comments
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July 14, 2007 at 3:36 pm
little indian
😀 here I was thinking you met a biiiig spider.
But I agree, this sounds more scary.
There are pro and con for every system,
but you do not want to go into all that do you?
July 15, 2007 at 4:30 am
flowerchild
Well I do…would definately like to know what you think are the pros and cons of this kind of arrangement.
July 15, 2007 at 3:19 pm
little indian
“The next in line feeling”
has been described as being a sitting duck. 🙂
There are the pros and cons in this context as in all such debated issues. I am finding it difficult to just write lists of them, for what is pro for one, may be a con for another, and vice versa.
When I was young, I was dead against such arrangements. But as I grow older ( and less wiser) I realise everyone is different, think different and behave different; capability to socially interact are also different.
Their expectations from other people and life are different, just as their understanding of what is expected of them. And the whole perception thing may change as one grows up and older.
I can tell you what I did in a similar situation. I ran. The only time in my life, when I ran away from something; faster than what my ‘little’ legs could carry. (hence in a foreign land 🙂 ).
Hey, I am not advising you to run. You have to do what you think or decide is best for you.
It maybe easier, to discuss if you gave us your views, as it is a matter that is important to you at this point of time.
July 20, 2007 at 12:00 am
flowerchild
lil indian ji…i’m all packed n ready to run away…NOT ! 😛
I have mentioned my views on this towards the end.Like I said, I’d be ok with this kinda arrangemeent if I would get to know the person before anything is fixed!
I know there are pros an cons to this…like there is to everything. I just wanted to know your take on it.
July 20, 2007 at 1:08 am
little indian
(I will address it as ‘you’, only for convenience)
Arranged or by choice, both forms can be a happy union, or end in breakup and distress.
Everyone will want you to be happy in your marriage.
The basic requirement for that happiness is compatibility.
Not everyone is capable of finding someone to their liking. Be it shyness, or lack of judgement what ever. For those people, an arranged marriage is a viable option. Your ‘elder’ who know you since your infancy, will have a fair idea who would be a compatible partner.
This arrangement would be perfect if everyone is honest, and motives are honest, to have a couple happy together.
Problems are, being wholly reliant on words and disclosures of the other family. No way of knowing if they are giving you 100% honest truth. It is better to know any shortcomings than not knowing them at all till too late.
Horoscopes are rubbish. It can negate a perfectly good match, or can approve obviously incompatible individuals; which is disastrous.
Money or dowry should not have to do anything with marriage. [I do not object to dowry in the traditional form, a gift from a father to his daughter only, and not to ‘buy a better groom’.]
It is more often than not the dowry system, and the greed and dishonesty that, causes breakdown of arranged marriages and has given a bad name.
Big con. If marriage fails, you may blame your relatives who arranged it – for the rest of your life. In all probability they too will be blaming themselves.
On the other hand, if you have chosen your partner, then if that marriage fails, it spares everyone the burden of blame.
Nothing much to say in favor of marraige by choice, it obviously is your (and your partners) choice, based on both your likes and dislikes, it is both of your responsibility to make it succeed. Can be a brilliant success, can fail disastrously.
Wake up. You’ve been snoring like billy oh!
And please no ji to my name…:)
July 20, 2007 at 1:14 pm
little indian
Yesterday I wrote an essay 🙂 in reply,
has it been swallowed up by Akismet?
July 20, 2007 at 3:51 pm
flowerchild
The first time i checked..there was nothing under spam. Checked again and it was there 😀
I had a little conversation on the same topic few days back with an uncle. YOu’ve pretty much summed up what he said. In a couple of years time i’ll find out what is destined for me !
And what’s wrong with ‘ji’ huh? Just giving you a little respect 😀
I know I havent been posting much. A lot has been happening on the personal front which I’d rather not write about. But I’m working on something now. Will be up soon ! 🙂
July 20, 2007 at 5:16 pm
little indian
No worries, flowerchild.
I thought you fell asleep in the middle of the lecture. 🙂
The blogosphere, I feel is at its best when is a level playing field. We are blogging friends, respect each other as friends, not the traditional ji’s or dada’s here.
The issues you have raised, I have thought about them for sometime. As usual have strong views, not palatable to all.
I have made some good ’email-friends’ through blogging. If you ever want to bounce your thought on these issues without writing openly, you have my email address with my comments.
Good luck, sitting duck 😀
July 21, 2007 at 2:21 am
flowerchild
Thanks little indian 🙂
If you’ve noticed i’m skipped the ‘ji’. I can be nice too, you see 😛
I understand what you mean when you say it is better when the blogoshpere is a level playing field. 🙂