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When your highest high and the lowest low come together and you don’t have anyone to share it with it materializes into a post …!

Well, getting to the good part first, I had written in an earlier post about my friend going through a rough patch. She’s finally made it through all that, triumphantly! After a series of obstacles she’s taken the first big step in following her dreams. She’s made it through all this without any support from family, she’d worked so hard and now things are finally going her way! I’m sooooooo happy for her and soooo proud of her :).

Ahem…now coming to the not so nice part. I can never stop cribbing, I know! Well anyways, like they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop and lately I’ve been having too much time to myself and I’ve been thinking about all those thing’s I’ve been avoiding (my previous posts would prove that!) I’ve been thinking about a certain something that happened almost a year ago (had forgotten it was this long back!) and I’m still trying to figure out if it was the biggest mistake in my life or not! I’m hating the long arguments I have with myself everyday about it. Sometimes I want to give in and do things I think I might regret later. Its been taking a lot of will power to hold myself back and at times it makes me wonder if its really worth all the trouble. But, then again, I think it might be!

I think there’s only one person who can help me with this and only one person I think I can involve in this but that person is also the one person I can’t involve in this simply because it involves that person! That doesn’t really help does it?

Ahhh, I hate having to go through this. My thoughts keep wondering back to what two random people told me. I hope that doesn’t come true. Actually, in a way I’m hoping it does but by then a lot of time would have been wasted, wasted only because of one decision I made.

I’m sucking at life!

…counting the number of people that I’ve known who’ve just chosen to walk out of my life as if they were never part of it.

———-

My life has revolved around the internet for the past 8years or so. I’ve met a lot of great people through this. What started in chatrooms and ICQ , with time, turned to phone calls and occasional meetings.

Why I chose the internet to meet people is a different story altogether(like you don’t know it already!). From strangers to acquaintance and some even became real good friends. They meant the world to me. They were more real to me than the people I met everyday. I was my real self with them. The endless conversations I so cherished then. I’d get through school and classes with only one thing on my mind, my next conversation with my ‘friends’. People from different time-zones, I’d make sure I would be online at odd hours so that I could catch them online.

AB- The poet from Whitehorse. The school drop out. A person who introduced me to different kinds of music, to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and Porcelain by Moby….songs that are still my favorites. The MUD addict! Our virtual world of glass houses under water, the endless hot chocolate drinks, the beach houses and so much more…..

VK- The mama’s boy who’s mama had passed away a little prior to the first time I spoke to him. The little angel. Drunken phone conversations and the endless Doodling !

AR- The AR Rahman fan! The sane one who had everything figured. Loong conversations. The accident.

Some of the people who have left deep impressions on my life and have chosen to walk out of it. Why, I don’t understand. Actually, I don’t think I want to. They have a life, a life beyond what I knew. I didn’t.

———

School days, the huge group of ‘friends’, endless house parties and the music- competitions, theme days and concerts. Being part of the ‘cool’ crowd meant everything to the ‘uncool’ people. And I belonged to both. One change in school, and everything changes. You come back and it’s a different world. My ‘friends’ had moved on… I hadn’t. To me life in my old school is what it was before I left. Things had changed, changed in ways I couldn’t understand. People had changed. They wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Forceful conversations were all that remained.

People who meant a lot to me, people who I thought were my friends, people that I loved are no more people that are familiar to me.

——–

Have they changed or have I? Is it that easy to throw people out of you life, like they were never part of it? ’cause it is not, for me. People who were important to me then are equally important to me now. Is it that hard to start off from where you left? Shouldn’t one give people and relationships the respect they deserve, even if they are a thing of the past?

Too many questions… I know.

Besides death, diseases and flying on aeroplanes, my biggest fear nowadays is “Arranged Marriages”.

My short trip to my hometown brought me face-to-face with this. A cousin, who’s just a little older than me, is all set to get married. MARRIED!!!! She was all happy and gay(no! not that gay…she’s very much straight !) and SINGLE a week prior to this but now she’s getting married ! Sheesh !

Ok, I can understand her getting married. She’s at the right age and all ( According to general consensus). But her’s is a typical arranged marriage. Her details/photograph has been circulating in the ‘market’. One fine day aunty gets a call enquiring about her. Next day horoscopes are exchanged. It’s a match ! Few days later the guy’s family comes to see her. Boy and girl get some quality time to talk and get to know each other better, the same day, with parents and other family members around! The quality time is not even made proper use of !!!

Few days later, another phone call…. The boy’s family liked the girl. The boy has given his consent. Aunt talks to cousin. And its FIXED !!!

And the best/worst part…SHE DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER HIS FACE !!!!!!!!!!

How scary is that!!!! I can’t imagine myself doing something like this. I mean…like…HOW?????? And the worst part is, this is what is expected off me. I was talking to my cousin about all this. She was happily narrating the whole story and I kept throwing a hundred questions at her like…

  1. You don’t even remember his face….and your ok with it?? :O
  2. So, you’re not even going to get to meet him or at least speak to each other before the engagement?
  3. You don’t even know what kind of guy he is? What he’s into?
  4. He’s a software engineer…work’s for a reputed company….sources say he’s a good guy with a clean slate….he’s from a good family….IS THAT ENOUGH?

Through out this conversation my mother kept nudging and shush-ing me. Seemed like she was trying to tell me…. “What more do you expect? This is how life is around here. This is what is expected out of all of us. If you don’t go by these rules….you’re DOOMED!!!”

I can’t do this!! I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I don’t even know. Someone I might not even get along with.

I’d be ok with this whole thing if I would get some more time to get to know the person, get some time to decide. But all the talking and bonding happens only after the engagement!!!! Like that’s of any help. It’s not like the engagement can be broken. And even if it comes down to that..the kind of humiliation that one’s family has to go through, I’d rather not think about that. By the time you are engaged the whole world would know about it. It’s almost like you’re already married!

Ahhhhh! If only there was a fool-proof way to deal with all this.

Oh and did I tell you, technically, I’m next in line !!! NEXT IN LINE!!!

I’m soooo Doomed !

 You would have been proud of me if you knew. Indirect means were used…but I am moving forward…taking one step at a time.

I miss you…

“Days Go By” – Dirty Vegas 

You
You

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin

You leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin

You leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you

 

 

Is it wrong to know what you deserve and only accept things that give you that…?

This is something I keep askin myself. Sometimes I think you should stand up for yourself. Cause at the end of the day if you don’t look out for yourself, no one will.

But at times I think, maybe I’m just expecting to much. Maybe I’m just being too self-absorbed.

Is it wrong to expect?

Is it wrong to know what you want?

When your in a relationship ( romantic and otherwise) shouldn’t one be giving his/her all. A 100% ?

Isn’t the lack of time, just an excuse?