Whether you choose to see a shrink or succumb to drug, alcohol or any kind of addiction, it is all the same. They’re all just different forms of escapism.

No matter what you give into, at the end of the day you are the only person who can help you self.

You will have to fight your own battles.

This song has been running through my head all day. I’ve caught my self hum and at times even sing the first line of this song a number of times today.  I can’t even remember where I heard this today for me to sing this over n over again.

Enna thavam seydaney yesoda… is not something one can really call a song, I guess and I never knew what those lines meant so I checked it up today and found this.

Very honestly, I don’t know why I’m blogging about this, I don’t even know why I’ve been humming this all day…

Maybe its a sign! :-/

When your highest high and the lowest low come together and you don’t have anyone to share it with it materializes into a post …!

Well, getting to the good part first, I had written in an earlier post about my friend going through a rough patch. She’s finally made it through all that, triumphantly! After a series of obstacles she’s taken the first big step in following her dreams. She’s made it through all this without any support from family, she’d worked so hard and now things are finally going her way! I’m sooooooo happy for her and soooo proud of her :).

Ahem…now coming to the not so nice part. I can never stop cribbing, I know! Well anyways, like they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop and lately I’ve been having too much time to myself and I’ve been thinking about all those thing’s I’ve been avoiding (my previous posts would prove that!) I’ve been thinking about a certain something that happened almost a year ago (had forgotten it was this long back!) and I’m still trying to figure out if it was the biggest mistake in my life or not! I’m hating the long arguments I have with myself everyday about it. Sometimes I want to give in and do things I think I might regret later. Its been taking a lot of will power to hold myself back and at times it makes me wonder if its really worth all the trouble. But, then again, I think it might be!

I think there’s only one person who can help me with this and only one person I think I can involve in this but that person is also the one person I can’t involve in this simply because it involves that person! That doesn’t really help does it?

Ahhh, I hate having to go through this. My thoughts keep wondering back to what two random people told me. I hope that doesn’t come true. Actually, in a way I’m hoping it does but by then a lot of time would have been wasted, wasted only because of one decision I made.

I’m sucking at life!

 

…with Stephen Devassy’s music !

I heard about him for the first time when a friend mentioned the Rex Band and their keyboardist. A week later I had the chance to watch him perform live at a show in which various Malayalam artists were performing. I couldn’t take my eyes off him his hands !

From then on whenever I got the chance I’d watch him on Amrita tv where he plays for various shows/competitions. He can make the worst of singers sound good ! It’s always such a delight watching him

*goes back to watch the video for the nth time*

 

…counting the number of people that I’ve known who’ve just chosen to walk out of my life as if they were never part of it.

———-

My life has revolved around the internet for the past 8years or so. I’ve met a lot of great people through this. What started in chatrooms and ICQ , with time, turned to phone calls and occasional meetings.

Why I chose the internet to meet people is a different story altogether(like you don’t know it already!). From strangers to acquaintance and some even became real good friends. They meant the world to me. They were more real to me than the people I met everyday. I was my real self with them. The endless conversations I so cherished then. I’d get through school and classes with only one thing on my mind, my next conversation with my ‘friends’. People from different time-zones, I’d make sure I would be online at odd hours so that I could catch them online.

AB- The poet from Whitehorse. The school drop out. A person who introduced me to different kinds of music, to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and Porcelain by Moby….songs that are still my favorites. The MUD addict! Our virtual world of glass houses under water, the endless hot chocolate drinks, the beach houses and so much more…..

VK- The mama’s boy who’s mama had passed away a little prior to the first time I spoke to him. The little angel. Drunken phone conversations and the endless Doodling !

AR- The AR Rahman fan! The sane one who had everything figured. Loong conversations. The accident.

Some of the people who have left deep impressions on my life and have chosen to walk out of it. Why, I don’t understand. Actually, I don’t think I want to. They have a life, a life beyond what I knew. I didn’t.

———

School days, the huge group of ‘friends’, endless house parties and the music- competitions, theme days and concerts. Being part of the ‘cool’ crowd meant everything to the ‘uncool’ people. And I belonged to both. One change in school, and everything changes. You come back and it’s a different world. My ‘friends’ had moved on… I hadn’t. To me life in my old school is what it was before I left. Things had changed, changed in ways I couldn’t understand. People had changed. They wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Forceful conversations were all that remained.

People who meant a lot to me, people who I thought were my friends, people that I loved are no more people that are familiar to me.

——–

Have they changed or have I? Is it that easy to throw people out of you life, like they were never part of it? ’cause it is not, for me. People who were important to me then are equally important to me now. Is it that hard to start off from where you left? Shouldn’t one give people and relationships the respect they deserve, even if they are a thing of the past?

Too many questions… I know.