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The phone rang and from the way he spoke, I knew it had happened. The long battle had ended. Another life lost to Cancer…

I was out shopping when I heard about what had happened. I don’t think I can put into words what went through my mind then. His image flashed before my eyes. An image of what had become of him since he was diagnosed with cancer a few months back.

I’ve only met him a few times. I remember him as a big built man, old but still not showing signs of the age. More than anything, I remember him as a healthy man. And then I met him during my last visit to Kerala. I couldn’t recognise him. I never thought a disease could change a man to such an extent. He looked old, weak, gaunt….. He didn’t look like himself. Cancer had caught upto him. Final stages they said. His body wouldn’t be able to handle any sort of medication, chemo-therapy or radio-therapy. They gave him pain-killers to reduce the pain. They had given up on him.

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Memories of what had happened around 3 years back are coming back to me. “Let’s hope for the best”, they said, almost like in the movies. Cancer was something that happened in movies or to other people, not to people we know, not to your family…

They said something about 5 years. 5 was just a number before that…but now it has taken a whole different meaning. 3 years, 8 months and 28 days are up.

I don’t know what to expect…

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Hope the family gets the strength to make it through this loss.

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I came online thinking I would post about an interesting article I read in today’s newspaper.

Nothing seemed interesting after I read an e-mail I got from a friend.

I’m scared…really scared for her. She doesn’t deserve to go through to all this. She’s gone through enough and more in her life. And now, just when she is finally working on her life and her dreams, this had to happen.

She’ll be shattered if things don’t work out this time. I hope she doesn’t give up, give up on her dreams….and more importantly give up on her life.

I’m going to speak to her tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m going to say or how I’m going to make her feel better. I know for a fact that nothing I say or do is going to change anything but I need to make things better…some how.

Now, more than anything, I wish I was there with her.

 You would have been proud of me if you knew. Indirect means were used…but I am moving forward…taking one step at a time.

I miss you…

“Days Go By” – Dirty Vegas 

You
You

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin

You leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin

You leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you

 

 

Well..not much to say on this one. Kinda looking forward to tomorrow and at the same time feeling a little apprehensive too.

” Every silver lining has a dark cloud covering it…”

Cloud with silver lining

 

That pretty much summarises how I’m feeling right now.

Hopefully will put up non-depressing stuff soon ! : )

….if only.

I’ve never had a “best friend”. At least not in school. I don’t even think I had anyone I could really call a “friend” back then. They were all just acquaintances.

But , things changed. I met three people who changed my life around, completely. One walked out of my life because of a choice I made. Another’s been screwing with my head and the last one’s stuck on.

Why this post? Well, one of the main reasons I blog is to talk about things, I can’t talk about elsewhere. In other words, to vent ! This one’s about the two people who are ( supposed to be ) my BFF. Actually, just about the one that’s screwing with my head !

BFF

 She and I did not “bond” instantly. But once we hit it off, it was madness all around. I wouldn’t say we were inseparable, but we were part of each other’s lifes in every way. When it came to our core beliefs and views on life, they were poles apart. But that didn’t matter one bit. Atleast not then.

Things are different now. She hangs out with people who are “cooler” than us. Has a man in her life, who’s giving her all the emotional support she needs. And basically, we don’t come anywhere in the picture anymore. Except, EXCEPT, once in a blue moon, when she happens to remember us. An occasional call where all she can talk about is the man in her life.

When was the last time we met up, just so…uhhh…NEVER. When was the last time she asked me what’s happening in my life, and really wanted to know and didn’t ask for formality sake….Not in a looooooooooooong time. @#%#$$%#$ !!

I’m pissed beyond words. I can’t believe I let her effect my life this way. No matter how much I pretend that this doesn’t effect me, or that this is no big deal because she’s just like those other people who walked in and out of my life without a second thought,  its not the same. Not this time. Things looked different this time around. I believed things were different this time. And I gave it my ALL. I shouldn’t have.

I’ve withdrawn. Does she notice? No. Disappointment is written all over my face. Does she care? NO ! She is right. Can I be right once in a while? No. Is she embarassed to call us her BFF? I don’t know. She didn’t have a problem claiming that once upon a time. But now the man in her life doesn’t even know we exist. Now I know what kind of a role we play in her life.

Its always been about her. And we’ve taken it. When you get close to someone, you tend to ignore little things that would have otherwise bothered you. But now all I can see are the faults, the negatives, the bad times. And I’m hating it. Hating every bit of it. I cant pretend to be ok with everything when I talk to her or meet her. Things are NOT ok. Things will not be ok. Not until we talk it out. But will that happen? No. Why? Because she still hasn’t realised something is wrong.

What am I going to do about this? I don’t know.

Is it time to step back? To move on…?