You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Personal’ tag.

The phone rang and from the way he spoke, I knew it had happened. The long battle had ended. Another life lost to Cancer…

I was out shopping when I heard about what had happened. I don’t think I can put into words what went through my mind then. His image flashed before my eyes. An image of what had become of him since he was diagnosed with cancer a few months back.

I’ve only met him a few times. I remember him as a big built man, old but still not showing signs of the age. More than anything, I remember him as a healthy man. And then I met him during my last visit to Kerala. I couldn’t recognise him. I never thought a disease could change a man to such an extent. He looked old, weak, gaunt….. He didn’t look like himself. Cancer had caught upto him. Final stages they said. His body wouldn’t be able to handle any sort of medication, chemo-therapy or radio-therapy. They gave him pain-killers to reduce the pain. They had given up on him.

====

Memories of what had happened around 3 years back are coming back to me. “Let’s hope for the best”, they said, almost like in the movies. Cancer was something that happened in movies or to other people, not to people we know, not to your family…

They said something about 5 years. 5 was just a number before that…but now it has taken a whole different meaning. 3 years, 8 months and 28 days are up.

I don’t know what to expect…

====

Hope the family gets the strength to make it through this loss.

A lot has happened since my last post here.

I’ve lost 2kgs..woo hoo ! All the hours I’ve been putting in at the gym has finally started working. But I still have a looong way to go. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to put in all the gym time from next week onwards !

I met a childhood friend after 9 years for Onam. A little awkwardness and a lot of catching up. It was almost like the good old days. And I also realised I’m not the only one with braces at this age! The aforementioned friend has braces and I also bumped into another school friend who’s got them too !

Anddd I’m not going back to India, atleast not for a while. I will be doing my Masters here. So, Oman’s gonna see a lot of me from now onwards!

Whether you choose to see a shrink or succumb to drug, alcohol or any kind of addiction, it is all the same. They’re all just different forms of escapism.

No matter what you give into, at the end of the day you are the only person who can help you self.

You will have to fight your own battles.

When your highest high and the lowest low come together and you don’t have anyone to share it with it materializes into a post …!

Well, getting to the good part first, I had written in an earlier post about my friend going through a rough patch. She’s finally made it through all that, triumphantly! After a series of obstacles she’s taken the first big step in following her dreams. She’s made it through all this without any support from family, she’d worked so hard and now things are finally going her way! I’m sooooooo happy for her and soooo proud of her :).

Ahem…now coming to the not so nice part. I can never stop cribbing, I know! Well anyways, like they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop and lately I’ve been having too much time to myself and I’ve been thinking about all those thing’s I’ve been avoiding (my previous posts would prove that!) I’ve been thinking about a certain something that happened almost a year ago (had forgotten it was this long back!) and I’m still trying to figure out if it was the biggest mistake in my life or not! I’m hating the long arguments I have with myself everyday about it. Sometimes I want to give in and do things I think I might regret later. Its been taking a lot of will power to hold myself back and at times it makes me wonder if its really worth all the trouble. But, then again, I think it might be!

I think there’s only one person who can help me with this and only one person I think I can involve in this but that person is also the one person I can’t involve in this simply because it involves that person! That doesn’t really help does it?

Ahhh, I hate having to go through this. My thoughts keep wondering back to what two random people told me. I hope that doesn’t come true. Actually, in a way I’m hoping it does but by then a lot of time would have been wasted, wasted only because of one decision I made.

I’m sucking at life!

…counting the number of people that I’ve known who’ve just chosen to walk out of my life as if they were never part of it.

———-

My life has revolved around the internet for the past 8years or so. I’ve met a lot of great people through this. What started in chatrooms and ICQ , with time, turned to phone calls and occasional meetings.

Why I chose the internet to meet people is a different story altogether(like you don’t know it already!). From strangers to acquaintance and some even became real good friends. They meant the world to me. They were more real to me than the people I met everyday. I was my real self with them. The endless conversations I so cherished then. I’d get through school and classes with only one thing on my mind, my next conversation with my ‘friends’. People from different time-zones, I’d make sure I would be online at odd hours so that I could catch them online.

AB- The poet from Whitehorse. The school drop out. A person who introduced me to different kinds of music, to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and Porcelain by Moby….songs that are still my favorites. The MUD addict! Our virtual world of glass houses under water, the endless hot chocolate drinks, the beach houses and so much more…..

VK- The mama’s boy who’s mama had passed away a little prior to the first time I spoke to him. The little angel. Drunken phone conversations and the endless Doodling !

AR- The AR Rahman fan! The sane one who had everything figured. Loong conversations. The accident.

Some of the people who have left deep impressions on my life and have chosen to walk out of it. Why, I don’t understand. Actually, I don’t think I want to. They have a life, a life beyond what I knew. I didn’t.

———

School days, the huge group of ‘friends’, endless house parties and the music- competitions, theme days and concerts. Being part of the ‘cool’ crowd meant everything to the ‘uncool’ people. And I belonged to both. One change in school, and everything changes. You come back and it’s a different world. My ‘friends’ had moved on… I hadn’t. To me life in my old school is what it was before I left. Things had changed, changed in ways I couldn’t understand. People had changed. They wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Forceful conversations were all that remained.

People who meant a lot to me, people who I thought were my friends, people that I loved are no more people that are familiar to me.

——–

Have they changed or have I? Is it that easy to throw people out of you life, like they were never part of it? ’cause it is not, for me. People who were important to me then are equally important to me now. Is it that hard to start off from where you left? Shouldn’t one give people and relationships the respect they deserve, even if they are a thing of the past?

Too many questions… I know.