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The phone rang and from the way he spoke, I knew it had happened. The long battle had ended. Another life lost to Cancer…

I was out shopping when I heard about what had happened. I don’t think I can put into words what went through my mind then. His image flashed before my eyes. An image of what had become of him since he was diagnosed with cancer a few months back.

I’ve only met him a few times. I remember him as a big built man, old but still not showing signs of the age. More than anything, I remember him as a healthy man. And then I met him during my last visit to Kerala. I couldn’t recognise him. I never thought a disease could change a man to such an extent. He looked old, weak, gaunt….. He didn’t look like himself. Cancer had caught upto him. Final stages they said. His body wouldn’t be able to handle any sort of medication, chemo-therapy or radio-therapy. They gave him pain-killers to reduce the pain. They had given up on him.

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Memories of what had happened around 3 years back are coming back to me. “Let’s hope for the best”, they said, almost like in the movies. Cancer was something that happened in movies or to other people, not to people we know, not to your family…

They said something about 5 years. 5 was just a number before that…but now it has taken a whole different meaning. 3 years, 8 months and 28 days are up.

I don’t know what to expect…

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Hope the family gets the strength to make it through this loss.

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I miss the not having anything to do….well, not really. Life’s become hectic and I’m liking it!

I almost wanted to give up when I first started. Somethings came as a shock. But I’ve slowly come to terms with it. I was a little apprehensive about going back to India but I never thought I would actually not be going back! :-/

Classes have been good. I’m all set to make the most of it. Had a presentation yesterday. I was sooo not looking forward to it. Never been much of a speaker and I freak out when I have to do that in front of people. Buttttt it turned out alright. I didn’t make an utter fool of my self. I actually had a few people come and tell me it was pretty good for a first timer! 😀

I miss the freedom, the familiar faces and more than anything else…I miss the good conversations. Anyways, Its only been 2 weeks now. I’m still in the process of getting to know people. Things might change. First impressions could be wrong. And if things remain the same, I’m just gonna have to grin and bare it !

Whether you choose to see a shrink or succumb to drug, alcohol or any kind of addiction, it is all the same. They’re all just different forms of escapism.

No matter what you give into, at the end of the day you are the only person who can help you self.

You will have to fight your own battles.

This song has been running through my head all day. I’ve caught my self hum and at times even sing the first line of this song a number of times today.  I can’t even remember where I heard this today for me to sing this over n over again.

Enna thavam seydaney yesoda… is not something one can really call a song, I guess and I never knew what those lines meant so I checked it up today and found this.

Very honestly, I don’t know why I’m blogging about this, I don’t even know why I’ve been humming this all day…

Maybe its a sign! :-/

When your highest high and the lowest low come together and you don’t have anyone to share it with it materializes into a post …!

Well, getting to the good part first, I had written in an earlier post about my friend going through a rough patch. She’s finally made it through all that, triumphantly! After a series of obstacles she’s taken the first big step in following her dreams. She’s made it through all this without any support from family, she’d worked so hard and now things are finally going her way! I’m sooooooo happy for her and soooo proud of her :).

Ahem…now coming to the not so nice part. I can never stop cribbing, I know! Well anyways, like they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop and lately I’ve been having too much time to myself and I’ve been thinking about all those thing’s I’ve been avoiding (my previous posts would prove that!) I’ve been thinking about a certain something that happened almost a year ago (had forgotten it was this long back!) and I’m still trying to figure out if it was the biggest mistake in my life or not! I’m hating the long arguments I have with myself everyday about it. Sometimes I want to give in and do things I think I might regret later. Its been taking a lot of will power to hold myself back and at times it makes me wonder if its really worth all the trouble. But, then again, I think it might be!

I think there’s only one person who can help me with this and only one person I think I can involve in this but that person is also the one person I can’t involve in this simply because it involves that person! That doesn’t really help does it?

Ahhh, I hate having to go through this. My thoughts keep wondering back to what two random people told me. I hope that doesn’t come true. Actually, in a way I’m hoping it does but by then a lot of time would have been wasted, wasted only because of one decision I made.

I’m sucking at life!